Tuesday, October 7, 2008

who cares what day? - homeys from home, homeys from here, more bathroom antics (PART 6)

okay, if you have followed this story from the beginning, i salute you. perhaps it is boring to read 6 posts covering only a night and a day (plus a night), but i don't give a fuck. this is what it do. dig? and to those of you that are enjoying this, thank you. this is like a journal for me but it is also meant to ENTERTAIN!!! so have fun with it.

(and yo NO, i am totally going to email you, i just get sucked into this shit and forget all other forms of contact with people .....)

so somehow it gets to be close to 4 in the morning (we have been drinking non-stop since 2 in the afternoon) and we are in the green room just gettin plowed. the opening band that is one of those, i dunno, "we went to music school and we are all geeks and all we know how/want to do is play music" .... like, you know, they got the hot, tall chick who plays violin, and 10 dudes who all look the same and each one has a different instrument .... they're jamming all this traditional shit while we lurk on the other side of the room. i start talking to one of the coordinator-type chicks who is getting prettier every second and she says that we will all go to Le Country Club to dance and drink some more. i can't believe there is a place that is called that .... that is still open at this hour .... and when we get there i can't believe that there is no cover but there IS a coat check with a fee .... and when i get inside i can't believe that it is full of people. (sorry, these vids don't look so dark on my camera.)

i also can't believe that there are so many dudes just dancing all up on dudes ... and not gay dudes, at least not dudes reppin that they are gay, just pure bro-love in full effect. i mean, there ARE girls in the club, and they are getting danced on, too, but like, you will just look up and see 3 dudes, one in a tank top, dancing up on some corner platform that has just enough room for 3 dudes to fit ..... this would not seem out of the ordinary to me if i was in a place with more of a homosexual theme, but this is like being in Player's back home. like, these are those dudes, you know? i am not really sweating this because of all that i have seen out here already, but then it gets a little hectic. one dude seems to get himself served an atomic wedgie, not a true one because his drawers don't go over his head, but they are up to his neck, and subsequently, ripped to shreds. i find this rather unpleasant to watch for lots of reasons. soon, another guy in this frisky group of bros gets his drawers jacked up in the same fashion, his undies being a little more fashionable, read "grosser", and they end up in the perpetrator's hands, and then being "shot" at the victim like a rubber band. then they end up on the floor and kicked to near where i am standing. i am uncomfortable.

as if that wasn't bad enough, i proceed to go to the disgusting bathroom to take a piss and attempt to record a little monologue about what a crev time i am having. observe as your boy, Huevos The Klutz, manages to drop his brand new camera into a toilet full of bar piss:

"Dear Lord, thank for giving me awareness of the fact that i am a terrible butterfingers, and instilling in me the desire to pay a little more money for a camera that is both shock and waterproof. amen."

i try and get my dance on but there are too many "drunk bro whirlwinds" taking up hella space and i just can't seem to get open to Cotton Eye Joe while the projector plays the daily news behind us.

at some point i end up proposing profusely to one of the event coordinators. i am pretty sure she was hot. and i am totally getting blocked by one of my homeys, but that is also not uncommon out here. plus, i am apparently not able to sell myself as well i hoped i might, the "american dream" is not what it used to be. the fact that i assured her i would get her pregnant right away also seemed to do no good. the career in modeling that i was promising was also not enough to sway her. later, when i referred to my other coordinator friend as my wife to the coat check guy, she sarcastically asked "how many wives do you HAVE?" at which point i realized it was time for a new strategy. unfortunately, it was time to go.

the car ride home consisted of me snug between my hearing-impaired homey and the running man, jeffrey. i slept soundly with my head on jeff's shoulder for the whole car ride until we stopped for baked goods, in a city near home. a croissant was passed to me, which i proceeded not to share with anyone else in the back seat. it was 8 in the morning when i staggered in the door to the Gran Lux.

my day with the KNX Crew. immortalized on the internet. one day, my grandchildren will read this. and they will be inspired to say, "mommy, can we send a letter to grandpa in prison?" and she will say "they don't allow people like your grandpa to get letters, so just forget about it." and then she will turn her Ricky Martin CD up a little louder and get back to making the salad dressing.

huevos out.


Mild Davis said...

ha ha ha! that vid of you dropping the cam in the jam is hilarious. ahhhh...to be young and Huevos in Paris. miss you buddy.

N O said...

Dude I'm not sweatin the email right now. I don't expect you to know exactly what you're doing a week from now, but please do holler on the run up to the 16th. The 16th and 17th are good days for me to cavort.

Your blog is mega- I have to skim this shit at times. But have no fear, I laughed my ass off at you dropping your camera in the toilet. Respect.

Fontaine said...

man. ive lived that drop. but to have documented it, that shit is major lasor, dun. there's a whole lasor hierarchy, but major lasor is top dog, #1. God knows, I savored that piss ridden moment like my cock in hot chocolate. Yo face is classic. But you def were tryin to prop that piece wit one hand, whatchu expect, a lil tripod to creep up all R2-D2ish? Your camera got the Eye of the Tiger though.
Risin up
back on the street
did my time took my chances
went the distance now I'm back on my feet
just a man and his will to survive
so many times
it happens too fast
you trade your passion for glory
don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past
you must fight just to keep them alive.
love you negra.