Thursday, October 30, 2008

b.e.a.r.//s.x in lyon: epilogue

ha, what the fuck did i tell you??!? someone caught a bad one. can you imagine seeing some dude break dancing on his face on the concrete i.e. getting his ass beat or beating his own ass due to drinking too much and then coming around the corner and seeing this? that shit was shiny and new like "i will buy you a new car, perfect ..." check out the forensic photos, courtesy of agent wormstorm from CSI:Cape Town starring in a France crossover special, airing this fall on CBS.

i took that last one. here is a special bonus photo of gino making the face that i swear is in like 15 pictures from these past weeks. get your perv on, homey.

please don't be offended anyone that i am not answering my phone right now, i am not used to having to talk on the phone and have been leaving it places and neglecting it even more than usual. i also don't really feel like talking to anyone right now. i'm being hoe-ishly pouty. deal with me.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

INTERLUDE 3: the Perv and the Unabomber on the streets of Paris

INTERLUDE 2: my new bands (present and future)

first of all, Viva Geneva had its first show last nite, after solo sets from the usual suspects. me and gino on keys, and JP on shred mode. i did a lil vox here and there, including an impromptu cover of slick rick's "children's story" (which i was just going to link until i realized how rad the video was .... peep it.)

this was all at the Gran Lux, which was lookin so sick with lights and projections and everything that a hip, intimate venue should aspire to have. somehow we were the highlight of the evening and if i can get my hands on some of the pics/footage i will post them on here at some point. the bottom line is: get to know us. you haven't heard the last from VG .....

upon my return to the states, i will be starting a new band. all i have is a name and myself. no other members or specific direction, yet, probably new wave with me shrieking and playing synth and hopefully some girl playing tambourine who shrieks with me and eddie sanchez on xylophone/saxaphone. kristin, you can play trumpet, but you have to run it through a distortion petal. (in case y'all can't tell, this will not be a "rap" project, rather a band of sickos creating a menagerie of something.) serious inquiries only, please. you must be okay with being in a band called

Date Crepe

we will probably look something like this:

i get back on tuesday. i play 506 on wednesday. we can talk about it then.

huevos out

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

INTERLUDE: limited edition CREV Huevos t shirt !!!

brought to you by the group home that supported me for a year of my life and has continued to carry me on their back like Atlas, .......

lawd. cop one of these while you still can, cause the run is limited ....

will be available at my show in Chapel Hill on the 29th.

to get a jump on thangs, hit or the Benchwarmers myspace page.

note: i had nothing to do with this ... that's the thing about the crev wave ... it just spreads itself ....

day bag - fuck it, it's time i put y'all up on some game ..... (PART 2)

so who knows what happens on "sleep day friday" but then gino and i go back to lyon via the train, the first one which we miss by one minute cause we went on a never-ending brew quest right before. on the subway to the club we entertain some star struck high school chicks with a 5 second beat box routine and the robot. we are heading back to see s.x perform in what turns out to be a super small bar with super diesel security. this group is the same MC from playdoe but with the never sqaure Mr. Markus Wormstorm on producto and drum machine fork bangin. get to know him. so, we all go eat at some italian spot, they stick us in the the corner, as they should, cause we are loud and say things like, "yeah, i'll fucks with one of those" when ordering drinks. pizzas the size of sundials get devoured. we dip back to the club, realizing the first signs of the insanity that is the streets of lyon as we are all almost run over by some Air Max/track suit/gel fade ma fuckas on scooters ....

seriously, there is, like, a swat team member workin the door, geared up with all type o shits clipped to his utility belt, fool is ready to electrocute someone ....

"punks jump up to get tazed down!! (get nothin but a zap)"

that's his song, dude, i heard it. things get even more exciting when my one name on the guestlist shows up with her BOYFRIEND .... but that one goes into the crev file. the fact that he looks just like me, though, has to be revealed ....

me: aw man, he looks just like me, look!!

homey: i don't see him ...

me: beard and glasses!

homey: i don't --- OH SHIT!!!

me: yeah dude!

homey: he got a small shirt on, too.

gah. the homeys kill it as exepcted, this clip is the only footage i took .... i like the strobe lite.

subtitle and i freestyle a ton after their set (at the request of some star struck fool totally on gino's dick) and then the homeys get ready to dip. s.x has to deal with some funny money business, which seems to be a regular thing for them thanks to all the bitch ass ma fuckas in the biz, but so does handling it, which they do. under the pretense that we are going to some dance club, we start following a group that includes the girl gino has affectionately dubbed "the mummy" and my mini-me that spoek refers to as "ginger" as in "ginger is going to get socked in the jaw in a second" .... but too much time posting in the hotel on the way leaves us on our own.

all i can really say about what happens next is this. lyon is fucking crazy. the streets are full of mobs of drunk ass people. there is more green broken glass crunching under our feet than i have ever seen. there are kids on city rental bikes just thrashing them about in the square. a drunk zombie kicking bottles that turns to follow us for a second and then decides better. there are four of us, so i feel pretty confident about brawl potentials, but we cross paths with groups of like 10 or 11 dudes, usually all looking like white supremacists, maybe just because they have short hair and we are strangers in a strange land. straight hooded up dudes lookin like Ghostface posted up in alleyways, just grillin. guys yelling at girls loudly. fools are drunk on these streets, like, people staggering with beers in their hands or bags full of beer. and then you will just see some grandma ride by on a bike. this is at, like, 5 in the morning.

2 of the illest things were right around the corner from each other. first we peep game down a side street and there is a dude flopping about, straight fishin out, right on the block, with a tough-lookin crowd around him. he is being stomped out and/or having a seizure. "let's go watch!" quickly turns into "uh, fuck that" and then we literally come up on "the murder scene" ... i hope markus hits me with some pictures of that because i was too sketched to even pull my camera out. right in the front of the opera house is a straight puddle of blood, like, not so much a solid pool, but like, the scene of a stabbing or something, just fresh blood everywhere. and a gang of blood soaked napkins strewn all over the place. drops and smears and maybe even some bloody footprints but i could be making that last one up. and then a crew of dudes all taking pictures with the gore (us). and a mundane as fuck looking couple 20 feet away having a nice peaceful hug session before one of them goes down to the subway.

and so it goes. walking through chaos, eating from kebab trucks with africans and bad american imports and wasted locals, sketching at bottles tossed from a window, feeling like we are in a straight zombie movie, and wrapping the festivities up at around 7 am.

then me and gino get lost but we get it together and then we are harassed like fuck by 3 hard head cops with bis ass guns at the train station and i hate it and fuck carrying my passport everywhere i go so i can lose that shit. i am TIRED AS FUCK as i make it home after 10 AM, hence the video from a few posts back of me whining.

kebab truck pimpin

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

INTERLUDE 2: my new video


here is a video for Straight Gin (Fader Remix)

read the blog of the man responsible for this wicked floor routine.

INTERLUDE: the new album from DICE

on the Briefcase Rockers myspace page there are some pics under the heading of "album covers that may or may not see daylight..."

this would be one of those.

and yeah, No, things got hectic, but in a good way. too bad that we couldn't catch each other. if you got any links to what you guys have been doin, hit me up and i'll post them. no promo. oh wait. yeah, that's promo.

Monday, October 20, 2008

day bag - fuck it, it's time i put y'all up on some game ..... (PART 1)


that's about all i want to say right now but instead i am going to try and give you guys some shit to chew on. note: sometimes when things start happening the way they have been, there is no way to even try and duplicate it via words and pictures and videos .... you really just had to be there. i don't mean that in a stuck-up "aw man, i am so cool, you have no idea!!" kind of way, i mean that in the "it would take me as long as this trip to try and include all the details of my experiences that i think one would need to know in order to embrace exactly how it went down." i am going to try and expound on only the most significant aspects, while plugging some of the amazing people i have been having these experiences with ....

i can't really remember where i left off .... oh wait. Lyon. good god. okay, here goes.

wow, i already don't want to do this ..... (time passes)

okay, i got some beer. hold on, let me drink some.

roll this cigarete ........

PART 1 takes place at the rail theatre, on the 9th of october.

me, subtitle, and debmaster all opened for playdoe
and another band from canada whose name you can see in the videos posted in my myspace comments from the show ..... debmaster is a bouncy ball of energy and his set is LOUD. then me and gino did our thing and despite some bumps that were probably not noticed, we both did good sets, interlaced with one another (no homo). here is a video of us after gino gets finished doing some kind of interview .....

so playdoe fuckin kills it .... for real. i am very inspired by spoek's performance and dj fuck is a MONSTER. i posted this video on youtube ..... it's debmaster dancing and spoek handling his biz.

here are 2 more ..... playdoe doin it like i wish i did .... and watch in the second one how gino just busts out the back with the bottle of whiskey!!!! pure crev.

we all dance after the show and 202 drives us back to st. etienne somehow at 6 in the morning or so and we murder some quiches (fuck what you heard about real men) before going home to sleep for the whole day.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

day tripper

oh me? 202 and i are throwing paper planes out the window of our room in Geneva.

i'm drinkin a beer.

gino is sleeping.

it's noon.

i haven't forgot about this thing, but every day is more crev than the next, for serious, and it's hard to write. will be back with some stories when i can slow down long enough to focus.

in the meantime, watch this video of me and gino in Lyon, France (if you haven't already seen on my myspace ....)

Sunday, October 12, 2008

day sumthin or other

i seriously feel like i can't even begin to describe the last few days without spending just as many days blogging about it .... typing and uploading video .... just trippin on the madness. we went to Lyon, France on thursday to play a show with PLAYDOE and debmaster, basically slept all of friday, and then went back to Lyon on saturday to hang with Sweat X for THEIR show. i'll try to put you up on game at some point, but you know what? i can't do this right now.

here's why:

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

INTERLUDE: the wackness and the sickness

me and the roommates went to the cinema the other nite.

we saw The Wackness, which believe it or not was not picked by me, though perhaps they tailored their choice to their american friend, i dunno.

let's see ....

it takes place in the mid 90's. it's about a white teenager who listens to hip hop all day, sells weed, and and can't get it up with the girl of his dreams.

so all i wanna know now is: who the fuck told? cause SOMEONE owes me some fuckin money. for serious. it was like watching my life story. i mean, except for the parents being broke and fighting part, but every story needs a little embellishment. i don't really suggest this movie to anyone who DOESN'T have a strong foundation in 90's hip hop or drug dealing or being scared of hot chicks, but maybe it is worth it to see Gandhi take bong rips. maybe.

also, today i am sick, which sucks. i am bored and it is raining. i can't eat any cheese because i don't want my nose to run any more, and i am trying to stay away from coffee and just drink water, which is also boring as fuck. we got a show tomorrow so i need to take it easy, but i have been sitting in a chair for, like, 6 hours now ... occasionally i get up to eat a piece of bread or a piece of bread with something smooshed onto it.

and i wonder why i spend so much time writing on this goddamn thing and i still get emails that say "hey, what you been up to?" do me a favor if you read this .... tell anyone else that might know me that they should, too. or send them the link. help out a sick man who doesn't have any of the creature comforts of home like a Whole Foods right up the street or the option to masturbate in any room of the house at any time of day or high grade tree and a one hitter to take the edge off.

here is the current list of shows i will be performing at, whether just kickin a free or doing a whole set ... other performers are listed on my myspace page.

have a glorious day, my friends.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

who cares what day? - homeys from home, homeys from here, more bathroom antics (PART 6)

okay, if you have followed this story from the beginning, i salute you. perhaps it is boring to read 6 posts covering only a night and a day (plus a night), but i don't give a fuck. this is what it do. dig? and to those of you that are enjoying this, thank you. this is like a journal for me but it is also meant to ENTERTAIN!!! so have fun with it.

(and yo NO, i am totally going to email you, i just get sucked into this shit and forget all other forms of contact with people .....)

so somehow it gets to be close to 4 in the morning (we have been drinking non-stop since 2 in the afternoon) and we are in the green room just gettin plowed. the opening band that is one of those, i dunno, "we went to music school and we are all geeks and all we know how/want to do is play music" .... like, you know, they got the hot, tall chick who plays violin, and 10 dudes who all look the same and each one has a different instrument .... they're jamming all this traditional shit while we lurk on the other side of the room. i start talking to one of the coordinator-type chicks who is getting prettier every second and she says that we will all go to Le Country Club to dance and drink some more. i can't believe there is a place that is called that .... that is still open at this hour .... and when we get there i can't believe that there is no cover but there IS a coat check with a fee .... and when i get inside i can't believe that it is full of people. (sorry, these vids don't look so dark on my camera.)

i also can't believe that there are so many dudes just dancing all up on dudes ... and not gay dudes, at least not dudes reppin that they are gay, just pure bro-love in full effect. i mean, there ARE girls in the club, and they are getting danced on, too, but like, you will just look up and see 3 dudes, one in a tank top, dancing up on some corner platform that has just enough room for 3 dudes to fit ..... this would not seem out of the ordinary to me if i was in a place with more of a homosexual theme, but this is like being in Player's back home. like, these are those dudes, you know? i am not really sweating this because of all that i have seen out here already, but then it gets a little hectic. one dude seems to get himself served an atomic wedgie, not a true one because his drawers don't go over his head, but they are up to his neck, and subsequently, ripped to shreds. i find this rather unpleasant to watch for lots of reasons. soon, another guy in this frisky group of bros gets his drawers jacked up in the same fashion, his undies being a little more fashionable, read "grosser", and they end up in the perpetrator's hands, and then being "shot" at the victim like a rubber band. then they end up on the floor and kicked to near where i am standing. i am uncomfortable.

as if that wasn't bad enough, i proceed to go to the disgusting bathroom to take a piss and attempt to record a little monologue about what a crev time i am having. observe as your boy, Huevos The Klutz, manages to drop his brand new camera into a toilet full of bar piss:

"Dear Lord, thank for giving me awareness of the fact that i am a terrible butterfingers, and instilling in me the desire to pay a little more money for a camera that is both shock and waterproof. amen."

i try and get my dance on but there are too many "drunk bro whirlwinds" taking up hella space and i just can't seem to get open to Cotton Eye Joe while the projector plays the daily news behind us.

at some point i end up proposing profusely to one of the event coordinators. i am pretty sure she was hot. and i am totally getting blocked by one of my homeys, but that is also not uncommon out here. plus, i am apparently not able to sell myself as well i hoped i might, the "american dream" is not what it used to be. the fact that i assured her i would get her pregnant right away also seemed to do no good. the career in modeling that i was promising was also not enough to sway her. later, when i referred to my other coordinator friend as my wife to the coat check guy, she sarcastically asked "how many wives do you HAVE?" at which point i realized it was time for a new strategy. unfortunately, it was time to go.

the car ride home consisted of me snug between my hearing-impaired homey and the running man, jeffrey. i slept soundly with my head on jeff's shoulder for the whole car ride until we stopped for baked goods, in a city near home. a croissant was passed to me, which i proceeded not to share with anyone else in the back seat. it was 8 in the morning when i staggered in the door to the Gran Lux.

my day with the KNX Crew. immortalized on the internet. one day, my grandchildren will read this. and they will be inspired to say, "mommy, can we send a letter to grandpa in prison?" and she will say "they don't allow people like your grandpa to get letters, so just forget about it." and then she will turn her Ricky Martin CD up a little louder and get back to making the salad dressing.

huevos out.

who cares what day? - homeys from home, homeys from here, more bathroom antics (PART 5)

it's time to present to you ...

Danny Michigan - Strongest Man In The World

youtube gold? perhaps. my face looking like its sliding off my skull? definitely. and wait till you see the last clip in this post, to TRULY understand the power of a KNX show ......

i rap again at some point, Gittinz Hot .... it was great. people really respond here. even one member of the crew who i thought was a dick before and after the show came up to me and gave me mad love, as well as other show patrons. let me repeat that this was a very dreadlocked, mountain affair .... hence my comparison earlier to Boone, NC.

okay, y'all. LE GRAND FINALE. (i didn't include the clip featuring "a classic example of a drunk guy on stage" ... some french kid that looks like a younger Billy Sugarfix freakin all the dudes on stage and lookin overall crevved out .... but this should be enough to satisfy the curious speactator)

i didn't mingle too much outside of my group of friends, but i did talk to some people. french speaking that turned into "oh ... you are the American?" was common. i realized that people acting like they don't speak english here is bullshit, they just have to be drunk first (i had more than one person say that the drunker they got, the better their english was). of course, upon finding out that i was American i was blamed for the current financial crisis, and there was much prodding as to who i would vote for in the upcoming election back home.

there were times that i wanted to tell people i was Hungarian instead of American, but with the ridiculous Nicolas Sarkozy functioning as the "president" of France, i didn't think that would be much better. though, at various times throughout the nite, i was from Puerto Rico and Canada. people liked that.

now that the show is over i am downing whiskey and puffin as many bats as i can get my hands on. stay tuned for Part 6 ... Huevos Drunk In Le Country Club, the final installment of this latest saga.

who cares what day? - homeys from home, homeys from here, more bathroom antics (PART 4)

so the band before us rocked as i said, now its time to get loose with it. or whatever. the idea is that i will be sitting on stage, in a chair, writing meticulously in a day planner until it is time for me to do a song. i am under the impression that these guys have WAY more surprises for the crowd beyond an American guest star.

let me also say that these dudes are the shit. i think i miss a lot of their humor via the language barrier, but my fav thing about them is that their symbol is the poodle. in a time when rappers are all hard as nails and everybody has a pit or a rot in their video or on their album cover, and then you got dudes like this, who rep for the working class but have the poodle as their symbol ... the most un-working class dog of them all ... i dunno, it's smart to me. their record has super a super rad layout that i would take pictures of but i am too lazy plus it would prob not look good on here anyways. i cannot vouch for their lyrics because i don't know what they are saying, but they had the crowd AMPED. and they earned it, too. here is a clip from pretty early in the set, still kinda warming up .... the dude with the paint on his clothes is the homey who brought me down .... dude with his pants tucked into his socks is from portugese stock would get mad pussy in carrboro (no homo) .... and dude who won't stop running seemed to only bring a sweater to put over his t shirt in the freezing cold mountains so i hope he did not get pneumonia. the dude is clearly in good shape because he ran like this the whole set .... (eventually he raps, but he does this for a while, and even after he starts to MC) .... the boards stacked in front of the DJ are for Danny Michigan who we will see more of soon ....

so i sit there and write all kinds of weird shit, notes to myself, things that i see or feel as i am sitting there, blah blah blah, then i do the MC People Magazine remix and it seems to go over great. here is another clip of the homeys, i think dude starts talking in english in the end because i am about to go on:

and now.

the moment you have all been waiting for .....

Monday, October 6, 2008

who cares what day? - homeys from home, homeys from here, more bathroom antics (PART 3)

a note to any venue owner/manager back home. you need to step your food game up. for serious. not only did all 3 bands get to hang in a NICELY stocked green room full of beer and food, but we also had a home-cooked meal to eat in a large conference room near the venue. with salad, wine, pate and bread, some potatoes au gratin type shit, and ice cream with pears and chocolate syrup. it was worth it just for that. maybe. by this point i am pretty wasted ... and i will continue this path for the rest of the nite. i wish my blog entry could get blurrier or something as i go along ...

the room we are in has all these circus-type toys. i will spare you the ton of video i took of all the silly excitement (?) that went down in there, but you have to imagine how surreal it is to be wasted out here and see things like this (at least for me, maybe i was just high) .... this is WAY harder than it looks.

there is LOTS of footage like this, my fav being DJ Ficus Deluxe getting ballet lessons from the bass player's wife, but that is at the end of, like, 5 minutes of ma fuckas balancing on the ball and shit .... so yeah.

here is the crew: one DJ, one light guy, one sound man, a bass player, a guitar player, and 3 MCs. and me. i will do 2 songs, spaced through-out their set. they also have with them "Danny Michigan - The Strongest Man In The World" .... who seems like a pretty normal guy until he starts to put his cowboy boots on and takes his shirt off .... no homo.

i guess this is just sharpie or something but it is a pretty good job. of a cock-cross taking a shit. more on him later.

anwyways, we are getting more and more crunked out, cigs and brew everywhere, the whiskey is coming out now .....

i go upstairs to catch my favorite new french band, Semtazone. they kill it. girl on flute/cello/xylophone thing .... singer who steps to a big ol saxaphone ... they got their own light set up which is really impressive. they played in brooklyn, once, and that's it for the US. i don't know if my blunt statement of "come to the States, homey. fuck wit ME." went over super-well, but we all seemed to get along.

who cares what day? - homeys from home, homeys from here, more bathroom antics (PART 2)

so i puff tough with the homeys till after 2 or so, and then i stagger on home. i sleep late, a little hungover and smoked the fuck out. that nite, i confirmed plans with a local MC, a member of KNX Crew (some of whom i met at my crev performance), to ride with them to a show the following day. i can't remember the name of the city but it is near Grenoble. it is in the mountains. 2 hour trip by car.


i ride in the the back with the deaf (hearing, not "def") light guy.

he mostly listens to drum n bass cause he can make it out better. everyone is passing brews around and blowin bats, pretty care free. we stop to piss on the side of the highway and everyone honks at the line of dudes peein on the trees.

the mountains are amazing. they remind of north carolina at various points. here is a generic web photo of Grenoble as you come over the mountains, but maybe we are on the other side or something, we are going to a ski town farther up ....

we get there, and DJ Ficus Deluxe (who reminds me of Will Wallace) pretty much sums it up ....

it's like being in Boone, NC. at a music festival. with a band playing outside that looks like a bunch of dudes from Boone.

then i discover the mysteries of what i am later told is a turkish-style bathroom. my boy NO will clown me for this, but this is not even the last of the bathroom footage for this batch of posts ....

i realize that this doesn't look THAT complicated as far as to what you do, but damn, you're supposed to stand on those slippery foot things? fuck that!! i didn't. and deuce-ing is just out of the question .... you could totally slide out and slam. you can barely even open the door to get out of there without having to stand in the bowl .....

who cares what day? - homeys from home, homeys from here, more bathroom antics (PART 1)

l to r: kaze, j waves, young fluent

first and foremost, let me say .... seeing these dudes was the best. kaze has been my homey forever, and flu has been rappin around CH as long as me. we don't know each other as well as me and kaze, but we left tight like pliers. i was not able to catch their set (on tour with el da sensei right now) even though the venue was literally next to where i stay. but kaze did some freestylin at the end that i DID catch, and i give it up to him for not cheating out here (which is easy to do since even people who DO speak english can't usually catch the words when they are coming that fast, you can pretty much say whatever you want) he spit a dope free .... also, it was funny when i yelled out kaze's real name and him and el both tripped, and el was like, "damn, someone knows your government name!" this was before kaze knew for sure that i was there. also, i wouldn't have even known this show was poppin off had i not seen kaze's name on a flier around town .... here is your shout-out, y'all.

Friday, October 3, 2008

day 16

today was gino's birthday. we got faded once during the day and then split up and then met up again to repeat. dudes were just trippin in the city, those dudes were us. here are some clips. i would have more cool photos but this beard is starting to bug me, don't really like how it looks, but mustache maintenance is too hard. plus, those that understand, know i need some JFM.

also, don't forget that i am playing a RAD show on the 29th (RIGHT after i get back) ......

and then i will play in the TROIKA MUSIC FEST with Future Islands on november 6th.

okay, so we went to this bar that the homeys invited us to, we thought it was a "party" but it turned out to be just a lot of folks at a bar, though it did have that party vibe, but you had to pay for drinks. you will hear us trip as to whether or not we are in a gay bar, not for any reason other than the fact that there are tables full of girls with not one guy at them, and all the dudes are very "affectionate" to one another (perhaps because i think the local football/soccer team won that nite) .... like, no one here wears pants as tight as me and gino, but they will run around and play grab ass and kiss each other and pull their shirts up (please resist the urge to say "that sounds like you and jake and your friends!") and exhibit overall effeminate behavior .... we start getting paranoid and wonder if the girls that can't stop looking at us are thinking: "does the little white guy fuck the big black guy or is it the other way around?" (we are also trippin off these dudes cause there were all these "frat boys" near the previous spot acting like clowns ... dressed up in pseudo-costumes, playin LOTS of grab ass ... one dude had a BANNER of an underwear-modeling david beckham hanging around his neck ....) i am the only guy wearing a HAT in this whole fuckin place, but there are all types of guys with weird animal masks on the back of their heads .... so, ya know, guess i picked the wrong head gear.

as far as the ladies were concerned .... i have always known my "game" was my mouth (and what it says) and not my looks, so i am at a loss in these situations, unless they choose me ....

(okay, all the videos have failed to load, and i do not have the patience to go through that arduous process again. sorry fam, maybe i try again later.)

side note 1: the bathroom at this place is weird, locals (at home) know about the unisex bathroom at Speakeasy, but this is like .... you walk into this shady, tiled bathroom waiting area, and there are just dudes and chicks posted in there. and 2 little nasty bathroom stalls (here they actually have, like, a lil room to go in with a full door, but then you just walk out and make eye contact with a hot french lady, knowing you just dripped some piss on your jeans and its visible ...) i swear i heard this guy and a girl speculating on whether or not someone was taking a shit, reminded me of back home. tried to speak english to a pretty girl in the "lobby" until some dude said (what sounded to me like) some condescening english phrase and i bailed.

side note 2: i get pretty faded and lapse into my new habit of yelling out rude/random phrases at people because no one knows what i am saying (dangerous, i know) and there are these 2 girls right by us having a moment ... they kiss each other on the cheeks and then ... kinda stare at one another like they are wanting more. of course i am all "yeah ... come on ... kiss ... yeah, on the mouth ... yeah .. kiss" and then next thing i know, this beefy ambiguously-gay dude, lookin like B Montana plus about 50 pounds, rockin an aqua colored St. Tropez shirt (me and gino been callin this dude "Tropez" all nite as he runs about grabbin ass and kissin cheeks and is possibly working there) starts "translating" for me from the side, telling them that they SHOULD indeed kiss (they don't) and then has a quick pow wow with us where all i hear him say is "i have a girl" .... maybe he meant a daughter.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

day 15? - the author laments

so, i am kind of over this blog right now. not so much that i want to stop doing it, but i imagine the casual reader has lost some interest. unless you find it wildly entertaining to read "today i took a shit and hit my head on the doorknob" as opposed to "i couldn't believe there were actual Playboy Bunnies on the yacht, stuffing cocaine up my nose with their pinky nails as i freestyled over Justice songs on a stage made of recycled Acura side panels while a crowd of rich Italians lit cigars off burning Euros." i mean, stories like that are coming, for sure, but i just feel like i am killing time with "Juan Huevos Tells Tales of the Mundane" in between all my rock star moments. the fact that i am in France doesn't make taking a shit any more exciting, but maybe the size of the bathroom makes it worth a read .... i dunno.

i mean, maybe you want to hear about how i spent over an hour tending to a clogged kitchen sink after i was a bit too liberal with how much elbow macaroni i let slip slide away. and how, after a strong opening campaign involving a plunger and a coat hanger, a phone call to a friend, and a much time spent looking for a valve of some sort, me and gino finally bowed up and started unscrewing things under the sink. with a mass vomiting of noodles and god knows what else into the bucket we had placed under the pipe, all was well again, at least, in my world. thank you, jake, for the flashlight and mom for your "silly" suggestion that i bring one. plumbing is hard with barely any light.

or perhaps you want to watch all the dumb videos i have taken of myself getting high, though for various reasons, i can't bring myself to post them. i try to stick to the "no guns, drugs or money" theory of internet self-documentation, but lawd, is it hard sometimes. especially since i want to have a picture with all 3. and a g-stringed ass in close proximity to my face. taken by me, in my living room with my digital camera on self-timer.

maybe you want to read about how, because i am too lazy to walk the 3 miles (uphill, not both ways, just the way home) from downtown (the tram stops running at 11, and we all know nothing fun happens before midnight), i never go out, which has become even more of a problem as my last days have been very formulaic (?) and have left me kinda stir crazy. so last nite, in boredom and curiosity (the 2 main excuses people make for doing this, maybe "drunk and home alone in a foreign country where i can't even send lewd texts to people" also qualifies) i looked at some personal ads on the computer (for my area back home, how irresponsible of me since i am SOOOOO far away). the first time i have ever even looked at personal ads anywhere other than The Independent. really doe. so yeah, i responded to one, the only one that was cleverly written, partly because it reminded me of something i might have wrote. she did not include a picture. i closed my reservedly witty response with my sentiments that i really hope we don't know each other, omg, how awkward!

and lo.

this morning.

an email (to the fake account i so painstakingly created).

let's just say that the last line said "What up Huevos!"