Friday, December 31, 2010

black swizzan

here is the first (and probably last) audio review of a film i have ever done. black swan is a rad movie but i still had to make fun of it. i left out any references to hot lesbian action, or how i have a man-crush on vincent cassel (no homo), or how pumped/buzzed the audience was (we guffawed at every joke and cringed at ever cringe-worthy moment) and yeah, i mean, it's not like she was probably dead the whole time ala jacob's ladder, and when i say vincent's head looks like a slice of pizza i'm talking about the triangular shape of it and not his complexion, but you get the point.

listen to it here ----> black swan review

Friday, December 3, 2010

swoll necks and other stories

i've been working out off and on since i was about 15. i started lifting weights with Ben Lee in my parents basement. my dad wrote us out some exercises and whatnot. that dude was cock D well into his 60's and beyond. i probably weighed in around 135 back then.

the strongest i ever got was when i worked out with Big John Fickle (RIP) ... that dude was a beast and we both built muscle pretty fast. i was 20. we went to the gym at least 3 times a week, plus i worked pretty physical jobs. i got up to 155 and did a LOT of benching and "curls for the girls" ... i ate lot of calories, mostly in the form of milkshakes and whopper juniors.

by this point in time, aka the present, many of you have seen me in a tank top or with no shirt or in my drawers and usually in all those situations i have had the benefit of stage lighting which casts shadows in all the right ways to make someone who is slightly muscular look much more so. no matter how buff i may or may not be at the time, when i look in the mirror it's still the same skinny dweeb staring back at me. i have received many nice comments on my build, which is flattering. i have also heard many references to steroids, which is also flattering, but also insulting ... if you don't think i got this way from being a depressed maniac, by myself doing push ups and pull ups and sit ups on a hard ass floor every day, then you have not done your research. i barely even use protein powder or any shit like that, it has all been hard work. you can do it, too.

regardless, a dear friend of mine, who also works out and is quite buff in his own right, hit me with this after a gig. best quote regarding my exercise prowess ever:

Meant to tell you at your show - dude, your neck is so swoll. No homo. Is that where you stick the juice needle? Right in the fucking jugular? Your neck was flexing and popping veins and shit. It looks like you hang a 45 lb plate from a chain and strap that shit to your forehead and do neck curls. It's bad ass.

haha, i am totally self-conscious of my long ass neck. at least it looks strong when i rap. my homegirl is an MC, and HER neck veins are definitely something to write about ....

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

four loko

so there has been a lot of buzz (pun intended) about this rebel yell of a drink called Four Loko. i am not going to be wasting any time and space on hipping you to what it is or the controversy that has surrounded it, you can do your own research. really, if you don't know what i'm talking about, why are you even reading a blog? anyways. i had never tried it before. i stopped on my way home from work and bought several cans.

to protect the innocent and guilty (you know who the f*ck i'm talking about anyways, don't you?) i will refer to my partners in crime as J (boy) and T (girl). T and I had plans to attend an event. J was on the couch, beer in hand, not lookin like he was goin anywhere. i cracked a can of Blue Razbbery flavor (can't remember if there was a "z" in the spelling, but it seems appropriate). glasses were poured. senses awakened. lips (particularly mine) started flapping. tongues were stained.

we kill the first round and crack the next can. Cranberry Lemonade. good for UTIs, they advertise. j/k. it goes down quick. blood is flowing. idle chatter becomes boisterous, 3 people often speaking all at once.

by the time we bust open the long-anticipated Watermelon flavor (not for the faint of heart, my dad thinks watermelon flavoring smells like corpses) it was time to go. J decides to join us. we load up styrofoam cups with Four Loko and ice (in the spirit of Huston, Texas or Lil Wayne ... whichever you prefer) and head to Chapel Hill Comics.

um, perhaps we were all charming? perhaps. i told a friend how bad i thought he smelled, but also that i would do him if i was gay. i touched him a lot. i talked sh*t about Dazzler. i dunno, she's ok. i had a very bonding conversation with an ill friend and talked about my nut(s) a lot. he laughed.

J drew a heart in the bathroom with our names in it. soon we were all posing in the can, as i ate a "bathroom cookie" which is not code or anything, it's just a cookie that you are eating close to a toilet. there was no Four Loko left. High Life makes its way into our cups.

so .... i just wrote this super long play by play of the evening, but i said f*ck it, everybody does silly shit when they are drunk and besides, i can't really put all the best stuff in here anyways. there were lil highlights like a woman who referred to our stumbling, loud posse as "3 random Carrboro hipsters" to her friend on the phone, at which point we all yelled things, J and i drowned out by T's "fuuuuuuuck YOU!!" ... i discovered a new way to pronounce (and scream) "Cassis Orange" (much to their disappointment, i am sure) ... a girl told me i was her "nemesis" ... i did a 5 minute long impression of Mike Triplett playing guitar in Fin Fang Foom on the sidewalk in front of 506 ... hahaha, and i did get mistaken for a drummer in some band by someone who should know better, but that wasn't my fault. the point is, i guess, that Four Loko did live up to its name of making me "loko" since the bender that it set in motion was nothing less than epic for me. i have barely been out at all lately because of my fear of the world, and i was certainly "fearless" on this evening. i insulted more people, mouthed off to more chicks, passionately hugged more dudes, criticized more bands (to their face), drunk texted (which i have been soooo much better about in my old age), and overall obnoxiously bounced from conversation to conversation in a way that i haven't in a long time.

unless i got a clear calendar, i'm just gonna stick with these.

really doe.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

hopscotch flashback

more hot dusty shots courtesy of


after gino posted the curren$y flip of "hard in da paint" on the b.e.a.r. page, i decided i was going to have to get on the hype myself. hadn't been writing much lately, but this was inspiring enough to go tough on 3 verses. gino hooked up the intro for me. shouts to the crew and RIP David del Monaco forever.

Waves In The Paint (B.E.A.R. MIX) by juan huevos

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

comic shop freestyle

i did a show at Chapel Hill Comics with Adam WarRock and i knew that there was no way i would be able to escape without a relevant freestyle. i busted out my old flip of Mike Jones's's's "back then" instrumental and got to work. the video of it is embedded below. topics touched on include:

Thursday, September 16, 2010

buy my beard.

at this year's Hopscotch Music Festival, beards may have been the #1 fashion accessory. i'm not talking about your fake girlfriend that makes you appear straight, i mean good ol' fashioned facial hair. sure, v-necks and tattoos still reign near the top, but there was never a better time to floss your pubic face than at the south's newest and best music fest. (editor's note: there was no sarcasm in that statement ---> Hopscotch was amazing.)

so. want a souvenir beyond your Hopscotch hospital bracelet or your Newcastle diarrhea? now is the time to procure your very own piece of history. Juan Huevos's beard, the very same beard he sported for 2 Hopscotch performances, is available on this blog for a limited time only.

whoa! check that thing out. it took a staff of 3 stylists to painstakingly remove the hairs one by one in order to return Huevos to the mustachioed visage you are most familiar with.

the beard was carefully stored in a Ziploc bag.

rather than do an auction that would no doubt push the price through the roof, Life Is Like My Cock On Chocolates is offering a special J Waves Beard Package for $14.95 (plus S & H) to the first person to respond to this ad. included with the prized beard hair is a copy of the latest Juan Huevos album, Treasure Bath. also included is a rare "J Waves" button and a letter J-shaped rainbow-colored Silly Band. OMG!!!!!

there is so much you can do with your brand new Juan Huevos bag o' beard hair: glue them to your own face! plant J Waves evidence at crime scenes! patch up that bald spot! contribute to a bird's nest! make a voodoo doll and/or shrine! it's up to you!!

there is only ONE of these to go around, so don't kick yourself by waiting. ORDER NOW!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

set list for the murdering (of feelings)

so what you guys might not know is that i totally shred on acoustic guitar. for this day party on friday i'm gonna be sittin on a stool and have a lil mic on a bendy thing in front of my guitar and i'm gonna have a beard and a gucci bandana and a cup of water by my side and i'm gonna make you laugh and cry and be like "aw man, i really identify with that!" and then you are going to buy all my merch and wear my pin and blog about how real i am. and then i am going to tour australia. here are the songs i will be playing:

Toothache Face
Underneath The Underlings
Vagina Sand
Kiss From A Rose (Seal cover)
Shack Of Shacks
Dry Sockets, Fat Pockets
Bizarre Love Triangle (Frente! cover)
Lord Of The Things
I Will Never Do Anything To Hurt You (Keith Sweat cover)

don't be a slouch, make it out.

Monday, August 23, 2010


it all began (for me) in 2008. i was in france with subtitle. and Briefcase Rockers, the label subtitle started that would later release several juan huevos projects, was getting repped to the fullest. our whole crew, along with its affiliates, etc. were part of the umbrella group known as B.E.A.R.


obviously, bears were a recurring theme in label artwork, and we had all kinds of bear-themed pics on our myspace page.

i don't remember how i came across this, i may have been google searching "bear" images or maybe the homey lockjaw sent it to me, since he always puts me up on hilarious rap ish.

this is amazing for lots of reasons. it not only contains bears, but it also has a connection to a line from one of my songs (gittinz hot) that became a mantra for me and my tour mates: "you should do a lot of thangs". i popped my head on it and flipped the title.

i posted the picture in various locales on the interweb. then something caught my eye on facebook. a certain bearded music writer had his own flip!

it seemed like my knowledge of this very crev-looking album cover was not as exclusive as i imagined. were hip white guys like myself passing around the photo like a viral video, getting our kicks at the thought of an ursine-friendly rapper hanging in a cave with his silk-clad bear homeys, smoking cubans and eating nuts and berries? was it becoming a blogged-about sensation? was i going to run out of hyphens describing it? holy sh-t, did i just realize his name was written in honey?

i haven't thought about it much since then. but the homey lockjaw just hit me the other day with this absolutely CLASSIC link of hip hop album covers "remixed" to have comic book characters in them. easily recognized flips of The Great Adventures of Slick Rick and Illmatic and Straight Outta Compton make up the bulk of these, but i couldn't believe that this made the cut, further supporting the theory that the Big Bear cover had made some kind of impact on music nerds for its sheer genius.

there is even a british (college?) student's flip of it (with MS paint) out there.

one may ask, "well, how does the music sound?" i checked out a bit of it, not bad, but nothing special. it came out in the late 90's ... reminds me of 8Ball & MJG but nowhere near as timeless. i think this whole episode is best summed up with the outro to an online review of the Big Bear record: "A mediocre representation of two styles of southern rap in the 90's, Doin Thangs isn't worth its weight, and the only 'thang' it's 'doin' is getting laughed at for its cover." but i would switch out 'laughed at' with 'appreciated' ... word.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Jerk Out

this is really ill beyond words for me, as a massive Prince/The Time fan, and all that is affiliated and associated with said artists. during Prince's Harem Week on the Grip Tapes facebook page, i looked up Mazarati cause i actually thought it was a girl group, not the project of the flamboyant jheri-curled superstar that i discovered. he and his band truly truly truly (outrageous) deserve their own blog but i just have to break down this one song.

in 1990, The Time put out a record called Pandemonium and had a hit single with Jerk Out. this video is incredible ---> Jerk Out (these guys made it rain in the club way before any rapper. great cameos, great cars, the dancing, a trip to the ATM ... these dudes were on it in this.)

blah blah blah anyways, i came across this Mazarati version of it that is def from the early 80's, has Prince all over it vocally, and pretty much (yet again) confirms that Prince does a ton of ghost-writing for his affiliated bands and definitely wrote Jerk Out. more on Mazarati? --> wiki wiki wiki

what really gets me, besides just the existence of this at all, is the rougher lyrics. Prince was definitely more raw back in the day, and full of angst on the issues of race, sex, gender, etc.

The Time:

"i took her to my crib and i laid her down /
her body felt kinda right /
maybe I was wrong, but what the hell? /
i figured that was what she liked."


"i took her to my crib and i tied her up /
i think that's what she liked. /
maybe i was wrong, what the hell? /
it didn't matter to me, she was white."

check it out:

(G)Rip (T)Apes

i like this name better.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

i had this. i want it again.

i bought my 4th Swatch while i was in Honolulu earlier this summer. this is my favorite one from my youth, the only one i don't still have.

Prince's Harem Week

Friday, July 30, 2010

last one. promise.

what? it was Lindsay Lohan Week. it's way sick she has this tattoo. it's totally real.

she came by our office ...

Friday, July 9, 2010

wonder shows 'n

chapel hill, please join on me on the 17th of this month.

this is what happened last time.

k, bye

Saturday, March 20, 2010

stand up

i think i have more fun goofing off at my shows than i do being a serious performer.

here are some examples from my most recent show. check the youtube video for all appropriate credits.

i fucking hate how even though this is the smallest size, the video still gets cut off. the formatting on on here sucks. any advice as to how i can post a video on here without cutting the side off or making it teeny tiny?

Wednesday, March 17, 2010


i have a song called the price of fame that has a little kwame tribute at the end of it and i don't think most people notice it. it's a flip on the breakdown in ownlee eue.

(editor's note: the wiki page for kwame says that he ---> is a cousin of Vin Diesel, who danced in some of his early music videos.[4])

i just watched that video again and came across this. even though its a total bite of something Slick Rick would have done on this album, from the chorus to the singing of traditional tunes in the middle to the high-pitched adlibs in the background ... it's still rad and makes me want to rap over a beat like it, and do some silly raps ala kwame. like "give me a fat kiss ... tongue, that is" .....

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

i fell into

my rolling chair which bumped into my keyboard stand which caused a very expensive and heavy synthesizer to take a fuckin stage dive.

still works, tho.

might do me good to break it completely so the 5 people that actually listen to my music wouldn't have to hear the same sounds all the time.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

the beautiful ones

maybe my cover version will be awesome.

but i doubt it.

here is a picture from what is (hopefully) going to be a new semi-regular thing for me.

i got some ladies behind me. i suppose some real ones would be better, but whatever. i don't think i can get Latoya Jackson on the phone.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

shit cat

whenever i scoop turds out of a litter box, i like to pretend that i am an archaeologist excavating precious dinosaur bones. and this cat can shit. it was kinda like this:

except i am not chinese and there was only one of me. there were so many "bones" in there, i wish i had a little brush to finely dust them off before placing them in plastic bags to date and then send to the Smithsonian.

anyways, you owe me one, izzy.

also, this:

good lawd. apparently "raptor jesus" is a thing ... am i, like, late on this one? either way, this has to be my new favorite thing on the internet.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010


last nite just kinda happened and today definitely happened. painfully. but i'm pretty sure its super awesome to have me rappin lil whyte in your ear very haphazardly while you drive my car. so my night was a success. then i ate 13 pounds of shell noodles with cream sauce.

my friend told me about this video and it is truly as nuts as he made it out to be. cripsin glover has cool hair but he's got a dumb wig on here.

and dammit, just look at this song title. i found this looking for the lil whyte video i linked ... how could i not share this? Three 6 is the best!!! unfortunately, at 2:42, project pat resorts a rhyme (of sorts) that could only have been pulled off by Too $hort or Gucci "i rhymed orange with insurance" Mane.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

old ass picture

today i did it all by myself.

new subtitle video!!

from the La Cita Strobe EP.

directed by Robby Massey.

Monday, March 1, 2010

more label art


find us on facebook, myspace, twitter, etc.

aw man

me and jake were shooting the air guns again. jake hit me in the hand.

i put an ice cube on it and it peeled the last bit of skin off. there was a cool blood stain on it but it got all melty before i could take a picture.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

they done wrote about me.

i should be doing research for the "Black Andy Samberg" post i want to do ... i mean, i kinda already did some but i just can't find the the right pictures to use. but when i do ... oh boy.

anyways, i have a new interview thingy on the internet. even tho i don't really "butch" anymore and you guys are probably over the whole cancer thing, its a nice write-up, featuring not-so-typical type questions.

you can read it here. feel free to leave some comments on it so it looks like people actually give a fuck.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

get beat up.


they really did this.

Monday, February 22, 2010


in this photo, director Ray Miller (center) sets up a shot featuring Eddie, the uncouth youth accused of several robberies in the immediate area, and Jacob, his mentor who is not without his own flaws. from the upcoming film Sunday Was Awesome Until I Made That Awful Vodka Thing In The Blender.


was a mess. but it started out good. i don't have any brunch pictures for you, jake has them all. maybe later.

we shot at each other with these.

there are pellets all over the house. i just remembered emptying a clip into the side of my car.

Monday, February 15, 2010


i have homeys all over the world that i do cool music with.

here is a BRAND NEW SONG i did with subtitle on production/rap and citizen ledge from L.E.G. on the hook. i even got jake to say something on it!

PS you can check out another song with juan huevos, subtitle, and L.E.G. on this myspace page -----> *************

Thursday, February 11, 2010

guest spot

me with Islands at Duke Coffeehouse on November 1st, 2009. i had just got back from Europe.

read about it here.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010


me and hank started a record label.

this is the kind of graphic design i do.

i probably won't be allowed to use any of it.

movie nite/day

so in the last 24 hours (or amount of time close enough to that to just go ahead and say it) i watched 6 movies. i also ate 3 different kinds of take out. that averages to 2 movies per take out. not including the pile of breakfast i ate.

basically a zombie movie starring vampires as zombies. get these guys some fucking napkins.

oh no, i fell asleep! includes the Best Scene Ever Featuring a Semi-Attractive Blond Woman Using a Samurai Sword To Decapitate a Sewer Monster. look, it has this guy in it:

you don't know his name, but you recognize him, right? pretty sure this is the only movie he has ever been the leading man in. well, he probably played a creep in some Lifetime movie with Victoria Pricipal:

winner of the Best Ice T Cameo In a Non Hip Hop-Themed Movie featuring Ice T as "Hamilton" the weapons expert who survies only 5 minutes of the movie but dies upside down, hanging from the ceiling and spinning while simultaneously firing 2 machine guns. fortunately, David Arquette is murdered early on in the movie. unfortunately, we don't get to see it.

winner of Best Use Of The Word Fuck for such amazing Dennis Hopper lines as: "Let's fuck! I'll fuck anything that moves!!" and "Here's to your fuck!" and "Fuck you, you fucking fuck!" i like this particular poster because there is no scene anywhere in the movie that resembles this picture.

starring Denzel Washington as Denzel Washington.

nominated for the Irony Award for the on-screen couple of Tichina "Pam" Arnold and Martin "Martin" Lawrence who were bitter enemies on the "Martin" television show and had to play husband and wife in this breathtaking film. what i would really like to know, tho, is if Tisha "Gina" Campbell and Martin ever patched things up?