REAL QUICK LIKE: things you should not say on dates .... and being a "nice guy"

learn from my mistakes, fellas. i don't know where i equate "asshole" and/or "overly honest" with "charming" in my head, but clearly there is some communication breakdown between my brain and my mouth. these are all actual quotes, as specifically as i can remember them, from dates that i have been on. don't go out like me. think before you speak .....

"your daughter is going to be fuckin hot when she grows up!"

"which one is your friend? the one with the short hair and the big tits?"

"i'm getting real tired of your style."

"yeah, you looked terrible in that picture!"

"i'm just going to get a ride home with her."

(when introducing date to a friend) "this is .... uh .... this is .... oh shit. wow. um, i am SO sorry, i am TOTALLY blankin here ...."

"i'm a fuckin mess."

"i'm a fuckin wastoid."

"i got some serious fuckin problems."

any references to how good an x-girlfriend's pussy tasted.

"your boyfriend's lame." (might not have been an actual date)

"i NEVER wear condoms."

"porn? all the time, are you kidding?"


the fact that some of these women continued to date me, and maybe even became my girlfriend doesn't make it okay. but coming in towards the end of the pack is still better than being the nice guy who finishes last. keep that in mind. of course, sometimes the super rude guy doesn't even finish the race .... he just says "fuck it" and jogs off the track, smokes a cigarette in the woods, and drives home listening to Foreigner on his iPod. yes, that is me also. the hardest thing i think is maintaining the balance of the different types. the nice guy doesn't seem to GET the girls, but he is usually the one who manages to KEEP them after he has rudely obtained them. unless he is too nice. then he gets walked all over and/or cheated on. i guess. i hate this shit. that's why i sit and home and write songs about girls who don't like me.