INTERLUDE 2: the french pull up

INTERLUDE: Maintaine video link

yo, my uncle Maintane made this, it was in my myspace comments already, but i like how its going down, so here is a link to see it if you wanna ....

it's a photo montage from the NIGHTLIGHT show i did right before i bounced:

pose on this one.

this chap is the mastermind behind the Benchwarmers DVD series, so you should check that out, sleepers beware .....

day 12

this day started off with hella nice cuisine courtesy of roommate #1 .....



you will notice that the one glass (aka jar) that i have been drinking out of the whole time was affectionately labeled "grey poupon" (they are STILL trippin off that phenomenon ...)

then i put some ill german essential oils on my hip bruise (which hurts like fuck and is gettin yellow so maybe i will get a pic for y'all) ....



then me and subtitle recorded vocals for his upcoming project, and they sound sweet. its cool to be doing some "engineering" for the homey ....

that was pretty much it .... then i had a little grub with roommate #1 and managed to put way too much shit in my bat and put myself in a coma for about an hour. she taught me how to say that in french (all you heads take note):

j'aimis trop de shit dans mon spliff.

holla.

here are some pictures of the little working "notebook" that we got goin to write stuff down that gets lost in translation, mostly me cause i talk the most and i am the in-house "professor de anglais" or however the fuck it's spelled ....






and for a nightcap, that i couldn't finish cause i was spinning thanks to being Mr. McCrumbles on my cigarette .... some Slavic version of Jaegermeister, i.e., a "digestive" liquor from that area ....



huevos (passed) out.

day 10 (more) and day 11

so after managing to stay straight blitted all day, i decided to watch a movie .... one of the good ol' genre of "fucked up shit happens in deep space" .....



starring the homey james spader (who remembers when i was "the james spader of this rap shit"?) and angela basset of tina turner fame. i posted up with another bat and zoned out. right when it ended, one of my roommates asked me if i wanted to join them for dinner at a restaurant.

the crew was me, the two girls, one of their bfs, and the homey of the house. turns out we are going in cars, which i am stoked on, because i never get to do it. just getting there was an adventure in itself, cause the roads here are CRAZY. intersections that are all over the place, and roads that are meant for 2 cars but only seem about as wide as 1.5 american lanes. then you got these "2 lane" roads that arbitrarily merge into 1 lane, and someone just has to go for it and get it front. my man is PUMPING some vivaldi and conducting while he is driving, we're just flying around the city, pedestrians beware. and you have to take hella side streets and drive for what seems like a long time, just to get a lil ways down the block. then matt damon flies by in a mini cooper and almost kills you ....

we get there, and its an italian spot called Les Strombolis or somethin. i get a heinekin (sp?) that is the size of a wine bottle. i order an achovy (anchois) pizza. apparently, when you order a pizza that comes with olives, you get 2 unpitted kalamatas in the middle and that's it. looked like a ma fuckin GARNISH to me. the olives were part of the reason i picked that one ....

turns out, everyboy speaks way better english than they let on, and i got these dudes coming out of their shells, we're laughin on all topics, enough that i can decipher this one dude has a great sense of humor. he is a filmmaker and i keep telling him we're going to make movies about this or that. other dude is cool, too, after an awkward moment where i get up from the table to let him sit across from his girl and he practically slams me back into the seat like "all good, i ain't sweatin it" and then sits as far from her as he can. dude looks like josh fox frenched out plus 10 pounds (not necessarily muscle).

as usual, the upcoming election in america comes up, and i once again have to explain what an irresponsible and ignorant fuck i am, and that i don't pay attention to that shit because it would just be another thing for me to freak out about .... but they still poke and prod me about it, but i guess that is to be expected.

then we end up at a straight ANGOLAN bar. this one drunk lady finds out i am american and keeps screaming some shit in french (with pantomimes to emphasize) which apparently translates into "i want a deaf, dumb and blind american man!" i think she means with money, but this is not confirmed. then this one tall ass dude in a Washington Wizards sweatshirt decides that i am his new best friend and he talks to me a lot in broken english with his hand on my shoulder (to the point where it is making me uncomfortable) and then we have to take some cell phone pics together, ones where he wants us to look at each other like homeys, like "hey, bro! where you been! great to see you!" with our arms out like we are about to hug or just can't believe our good luck to bump into each other at the pub. he has a homeboy from maryland (or who was living in maryland at some point i should say) who turns around to yell "maryland!" at me and then goes back to his beer. we are the only white people in the bar. i feel like we are a slight novelty, but no one seems to even notice. we slam some beers and dip. we go to another spot, drink more, smoke way too many cigarettes and head back to house.

me and the girls and the bf play forever with one of these things ....



and everyone is gettin all swole in the wrist, and the chicks start arm wrestling.

side note: the word "wrestle" seems to be very elusive to people here, it takes a lot of acting for me to get people to know what it means. it took FOREVER at dinner for me to explain/describe/act out that i thought the voices of



and



sound exactly the same. (big shout to P McK for pointing that out)

so then we all crash out and i curl up with another high-quality DVD. this one in the "white guy/black guy buddy action" genre .....



starring my new favorite rule breaker, dennis rodman. (no, i am not ready to be "the dennis rodman of this rap shit" quite yet)

day 11 is pretty much another day of Viva Geneva madness that for me again consisted of drinking and smoking till i almost pass out, but the homeys were killin it as per usual. here is just a lil nibble of a flip they were working on ....



and yo. i took a mother fuckin FALL that day. like, a spill. like, old people breaking their hip type shit. now i have fallen on (off) my skateboard plenty recently and i can certainly hit the ground when i'm drunk like when i tried to jump kick some real estate sign and it was stronger than i thought and i ate shit in the grass and totally split the leg of one of tara's old jeans. but this was just calamity. me and subtitle are going down into the crev and it's hella dark and he is all "yeah, i know my way around this bitch, i don't need to see shit" and i'm all "fuck that, i'm about to use this flashlight" and i am walking with my digi recorder under my arm and i pull out jake's flashlight (ha, that sounds gay) and right as i click it on, like, right as i hear *click* my leg slams into this couch that i totally did not see and i go DOWN. and i can't break my fall cause i got the light in one hand and the recorder (that i MUST protect) in the other and i just take the ground right on my hip bone and knee. people that have heard me fall or slam or whatever know that i can be pretty vocal, even when it's not that major, and this mother fucker HURT. gino said he would never forget that sound for the rest of his life. i straight howled. had to lay there on the dusty ass ground for a minute. took pictures of the bruise this morning, but they never look as cool on film unless you REALLY fucked up ......

huevos out.

PS maybe later i will tell y'all about chillin up in the kebab spot by myself with the turkish dudes i thought were going to drug and kidnap me (tourist paranoia) but turned out to be the fuckin homeys!!

INTERLUDE: this is fuckin ridiculous!!!!!

chapel hill people. please spread this to anyone who will listen, because this is crazy as fuck.

there is going to be ANOTHER chapel hill, NC rapper in st. etienne for a show very soon ...

on tour with el da sensei .....

it ....

is ......

KAZE



what?!?!?!? jake!!! what?!?!?!? do you see this?!?!!?!?!?!?!?

(editor's note: i am not playing in this show, it is part of a hip hop festival over several days that is going on in town ...)

day 10

the fact that i have taken only 3 showers in 10 days is not really that different from my normal routine ....

today i did some vocals on a new track .... doing some pretty deep shit i would say, but who knows, the "mindstate" i am perpetually in is a lot different from at home .... not sure yet if that's good or that's bad .... definitely influenced by the surroundings and the weather ... doing some dark shit, but not dark like black, more dark like gray. or grey. your choice. here's a little interlude ...



(you know you need some boww in your life.)

and straight up, i'm trying to be the male version of this:



you better ask somebody ....

she hits it with that little smile and then just starts killin it! i love her face the whole time.

my other goal today (besides the shower) was to go to the mall and buy some gloves and maybe some type of warm hat .... really doe. right now i don't feel like doing nathan. but some gloves would be nice, feelin all arthritic .....

OH SHIT.

happy birthday, Lord No!!!!

days 7, 8, and a piece o' 9: birthdays, Real World: France, and small bathrooms ....(PART 2)

so yeah, that's pretty much how my birthday day went. jp made me some brownies tonite (day 9) and they were terrible. and out here, "terrible" is slang for awesome. i think. jp, if you are reading this .... loved the brownies, homey. for true.

also, i did LAUGH a lot on my birthday ... gino has been downloading all this old rap, like mack 10 and k-dee (see picture, the spermed-out logo is CLASSIC) and kokane ....



and we seriously die laughing at some of the shit these dudes are saying ... like, in tears, and jp's girl is asleep so we are stifling the laughs which make more tears come .... aw man, i wish i could remember some of the stuff .... dudes would go from totally ripping it to completely falling off ... mack 10 had a line about his boy skeeting on a girl's stomach or something like that (but in grosser detail) .... we are both confident that you should never describe your homeboy's orgasm in a rap song. and k-dee is just ridiculous.

side note: apparently i am the k-dee of Briefcase Rockers, however, because this fool got to do a song with Morris Day (a flip of "Gigolos Get Lonely Too") AND 2 songs with Bootsy! this guy was doing my dream record 14 YEARS AGO!

anyways .... the only other shit worth delving into is this (kinda burnt out so lazy yet carefree ... sorry if i ramble):

i have 2 female roommates now, very nice ladies who speak english pretty decent, we kicked it the other night and puffed hella cigarettes, ate hella cheese, and talked about all types of ish, writing words down to explain things to each other ...

funny shit: i start talking about grey poupon and the old commercials ... cause i said "but of course!" all smarmy and shit, and they have never heard of it. i start explaining that it is bomb ass mustard and they say that the name basically means "grey baby doll" .... we all agree that some fools were probably just trying to come up with a french sounding name, cause that's kinda a weird name for something you are about to eat. but if you look at the jar, it's reppin france hella hard! the commercial too! you got to remember this shit y'all ....



and i told my friend that i felt like i was on Real World: France (there is also the dude who runs this spot hanging out, too. he speaks no english at all) and he told that dude who told them and then i had to explain what it was in simple english like "white guy. black guy. happy girl. sad girl. all in one house. do things together. some love. some fight." and so on and so forth. i told them that my character was "the american musician who doesn't speak french." they were more familiar with Survivor and Big Brother ... in fact, i think the original Big Brother popped off in some euro country ....

also, here is a weird thing. this space we are all in is kinda on some "city loft" type shit ..... a gang of rooms, one bathroom/toilet area, shit all kinda inter-connected .... so i have to literally walk through one girl's room to get to mine, which feels kinda awkward at 3 in the morning. and shit is all, like, windows so if i cut the light on i light her room up a little. maybe people who live in the city are like "shit, fool, all apartments in new york are like that, why you trippin?" but all i know is its some wacky shit to me. but they are cool, for real, so no issues that i see or even want to forsee ...

it's about one in the morning here and i am heated (at least i was an hour ago before i rolled something) cause it's a long, uphill walk/skate from jp's to my spot, and i BUSTED ASS to handle some business and make it to the tram before 11 so i could ride it up the hill, and i buy a ticket (like, $2.50, only good for one trip) right as the tram is getting there. so relieved. old drunk dude is trying to fuck with me. like one other person in the car. i brush him off, sit down, and chill, so stoked i caught the trolley, put some Dizzee Rascal on the iPod in case i need to get hard for whatever reason ..... then i realize that i got on the WRONG FUCKING TRAM. and i realize this just as its taking its turn off the main drag ... now not only is it taking me farther from where i need to go, but i have barely made any progress on it ... AND i am now missing the last train going to where i want to be. finally a stop comes up and i get off, being the guy just walking down the street going "FUCK! FUUUUUUCK!!" and you think to yourself "what the hell is HIS problem?" that guy.

huevos out.

INTERLUDE: Gran Lux links

peep these to get even more up the spot .....

www.coxaplana.com

and some info on what the Gran Lux posse is doing ....

www.ornamentalfilms.org

days 7, 8, and a piece o' 9: birthdays, Real World: France, and small bathrooms ....(PART 1)

it is another cold morning on day 9. i am up at about 11. i woke up an hour earlier and wanted to get up, but leaving my bed was hard. i did not sleep in jeans but i was wearing my hoody. now i am in the "office" with Gael who is hard at work doing accounting, etc. for the art space we are living at. i will explain more about her and my other roommates later, via some backtracking to days 7 and 8.

when i went to the bathroom this morning, i hit my head on the doorknob as i was sitting down. i was smoking a cigarette, which did not get knocked into anything for once, but i have already burned my inner thigh and on another occasion bumped my elbow and dropped one and almost burned a hole in my skinny jeans.

so let's see ....

so monday was my birthday, and i skated down the hill to jp's and we kicked it for a sec and then everyone remembered it was my brithday and gave me some stuff like some CDs and a key necklace (the game is to be sold and not told, sorry for a lack of explanation on that one) and then we went to the crev to record some Viva Geneva madness .... a project that is mostly gino and jp doing these deep synth/guitar based tracks, eventually i will get in the mix on some vox and maybe some keys .....

(this post is going to be all over the place .... sorry)

so here is some art jp did .... and some pics of the various rooms ..... (we are down in the catacombs, 2 levels underneath where i am staying .... you will notice a lack of flash in certain pictures [not so much of the big rooms, but more specific shots] they might be a little more blurry, but you need to understand the weird lighting and such .....)





so check all these different rooms out .... this is the Gran Lux theater we are at (where i am crashing) and they got all this crazy shit going on ... they show old movies and have parties and have all types of artists doing all kinds of various work down there .....








there is so much more .... but uploading these pics seems to take forever. plus, it goes even deeper than this but we have not gone down there yet for fear of Cthulu eating us. but here is the "mysterious room full of sand" i have mentioned to a few of you ....




k, so, like i said, Viva Geneva is jamming .... and i bought a 10 pack of some beers and we are sippin .... they have this great warning label, but it was too small for me to get a photo, but it is essentially a silhouette (sp?) of a pregnant chick drinking a brew with the red circle around it with a line through it, you know what i mean .... pretty funny.

here is jp in the "lounge" outside the practice space, stringing up the Fender ....



and the space itself ... hella moldy and such .... if you know me, you know i am scared to sit anywhere or touch anything .... when i was recording the other day my wrist touched a curtain or something and got all itchy .... gino said he left his headphones down there for a while and they were WHITE when he got them and that his ears itched for a while after that when he used them. FUCK THAT!!!!! i didn't let any of my gear touch anything ..... gettin all Howie Mandel on that shit ....



best band name ever:



here's me going to take a piss:



so they jam and record while i am all high and buzzing and it sounds dope and then we leave to go back to jp's .... he takes the train cause his ankle is all fucked from a skating accident and gino and i cruise the streets ..... this footage is not very exciting from a skater's standpoint, but just to give you an idea of what cruising the block is like here ....



yeah, that was boring.

okay, taking a break .... will be back with part deux later.

love,

j waves

BONUS PICTURE: wowzers.

we think this dude was one of the actual in-house squatters. we don't know for sure. peep his shirt.

days 5 and 6 .... where the homeys play a SUPER CREV show and spend the next day recovering.

(yes, this is a LONG FUCKING POST, but this is the first day that some real interesting shit popped off AND i actually made an effort to document it all, so skim it or go deep, it's up to you!)

so day 5 was saturday and it was definitely the most nutso day yet. let me start by saying you may or may not have noticed an abundant use of the word "crev". i can't really explain what it means because the game is to be sold and not told. i think that its connotation should be enough for you to figure it out. this is not a french word, this is Briefcase slang. it can be used along the lines of "smurf" i.e. it can be a noun, adjective, adverb and maybe even a verb.

the day starts with me dipping to the store, copping some ish, and making breakfast for me and the homey.



that picture wasn't really worth putting on here but for some fuckin reason i took it, maybe cause i was stoked on my first real cooking foray here. it's eggs btw, if you can't tell.

then i took my 2nd shower of the week. here is a video showing you what it do:



then i shaved some and cut my lip and me and gino left to go to jp's to link up so we can all go to this benefit show we are playing at for a st. etienne homey who is locked down. there is going to be a punk band playing and some DJs, and i am not actually on the flier or whatever, but the fact is, it's looking like B.E.A.R. will be in full effect because we got me, Subtitle and 202 Project ....

we are running late, probably due to my girly pre-show grooming and inability to be able to find anything when i need it, and 202 has already left, leaving us a google map that is really just a map .... like, no real start here end here type shit. me and gino end up getting lost in straight Turkish Town where we stick out like fuck and i keep thinking of ill Ice T songs about people being in the wrong hood and shit .... we ask a homey at the Library for help, and he points and says some shit in french and then we continue to fumble around and eventually find the spot.

the place is gnarly. not so much a venue, but a straight up palatial squatter mansion. chapel hill people, its like you took all the kids in front of the post office and gave them a 4 story house thing with an ill sub-basement and a dungeon (where we will be playing). here is us creeping out the spot pre-show ....



so we get back, and now it is apparently time to roll some cones up ... fools out here stay straight blitted on hash. i haven't even seen any weed this whole time except for some brown (formerly green) chronic in a dusty jar that some dude was saving. out here it is straight tobacco/hash bats all day long ....



i don't know what the deal with squatters is, but let me tell you, this crew HOOKED IT THE FUCK UP. we got a serious smorgasbord of grub, like, ridiculous. food everywhere .....



that doesn't even show the half of it. dessert included the ill english speaking musician homey (formerly of vomit for breakfast, not sure what his latest band is) serving up melted chocolate on pears ....



this STILL does not show the half of it. plus i am drinking wine that comes in what is essentially a 40 oz. bottle. but in a glass, yo, not like i am holding the whole jigga jigga!!

okay, now it's time to get crev. the punk band is a 2-piece called Ecowar and they are a dutch lady (mostly on drums) and an an australian guy (mostly of guitar) doing, like, political songs and such ... shout outs to protesters and animal rights ... a song for the "fashion punkys" .... tho, they end up being dubbed Ecomore for how long they played .... like, over an hour some theorized. i am starting to get a little nervous about what the response for me is going to be since the crowd has a rather eclectic mix of crust punks, algerian track suit dudes steady puffin cones, skinhead lookin chicks, random skater dudes (including the homey from the skate shop near the crib, that's my dog), a smattering of Subtitle and 202 fans, and some st. etienne locals (all locals really, just using that as a loose term for those without a real clear "genre"). and this one dude is getting all edgy and yelling "merde!!" during the rock set and establishing himself as a true heckler.

so 202 goes next and slays .... his music is more in the crev type shit, like, intense sounds and beats, and he is up there lookin like a straight loc ....



i am stoked because he is doing his set a little different than usual, this one is all synth and laptop madness .... dude is just straight lurking in the depths behind his gear, but then he comes out to do some thangs on the mic ....



Subtitle frees with him at the end of his set and then he intros me. people are starting to pile in (quite a decent turnout for a straight up basement party in a cutty neighborhood) and i hit em with Ceiling Is Black and IT IS ON. i did about a 17 minute set with an encore, and it was so live. like, no offense to y'all homeys that supposedly know me and love me or are fans or whatever, but these fools were straight crunk with it, assuming anyone still says crunk anymore ... what should i say then? gonzo? i mean, we're talking a pile of girls in the front going ape, the homeys gettin wild, i end up with a dress hanging from my neck, flossin with that .... women's shoes all over the floor in front of me, other random clothes (albeit, snatched off a rack that was down there, not like people were ripping them off their back ... even as much as i encouraged them to do so) the shirt comes off (to much fanfare from the ladies and a slight grumble from the dudes but they hang in there ...) and shit is going crazy, i literally try to put this dress on and can't figure it out and then this woman jumps in and is like forcing me into some other lil dress and i give up halfway and do most of the song, Tourin With Jesus, like, half in half out the mother fucker, like the thugs used to wear their jackets when Ja-Rule was still cool .... i mean, just BASEMENT PARTY MADNESS. got this one part on that track where everyone is supposed to scream with me and EVERYONE DID IT ... the people barely even speak english and they know what to do. so crev. i am straight TWEAKING on the dance tip, one dude called me "iggy pop's son" ..... it was maybe the best show of my life (or perhaps just the most fun), as far the latest Juan Huevos configuration goes. Subtitle got some video footage on his phone that maybe will make it on here .....

so he goes next and straight murks these fools!!! intelligent, dancy, electro beats, some of which i heard before and some that i hadn't, and people are way into it ... here are 2 lil clips to show you how live it was in there ..... in the second clip, Subtitle's set is finished but he is free-ing over this murderous techno DJ that came up next, and i had just finished doing a verse as well, it was like a mosh pit in this mother fucker ..... in the first clip peep the algerian track suit homeys right up on him (they gave mad love) and know that there are more people than it looks like, i am kinda close up ....





fuck, these looked cooler on my computer. i mean, not uploaded on the blog. they seem hella dark. so the nite fades out with me and gino dancin with some chicks in the bassment, and then me kicking it upstairs with jp and making more videos that i prob shouldn't put on the internet. but you HAVE to check out my new friend.


(L to R: riri, jp/202, j waves)

dude is a great singer/musician, but to me, he was just nuts. he said the most INSANE things in english, but unfortunately i didn't catch the best of it .... still, homey is off the hook (for some reason he kept filming ME filming HIM):



(editor's note: dude said some very nice things about me on the internet. big ups, riri.)

and there is this crazy situation where they keep asking me and Subtitle to play ANOTHER SET. like, over and over. basically, we don't do it, but it seems like we are letting some folks down ....

the next day, we are all a bunch of tired ogres, but we still take some time to skate a flat ground spot for a while. we go to the grocery store where some cats are straight beefing with each other, one dude holding his lil child in his arms the whole time, gino says he hears them flipping about money. jp makes the best quiche-type thing ever for dinner and we have a salad as well, both with bomb ass goat cheese (yes, your boy is fucking with cheese. and bread. so much fuckin bread. bread for days. and coffee. lots of coffee. bread and coffee is pretty much the diet out here.)

i also learned that girls here brush their teeth the same way we all do. who knew?



i turn 29 tomorrow.

huevos out.

day 4

so i got to hang solo for a bit today, went to the store and bought some thangs, did a work-out routine of hard floor sit ups and lifting chairs and shit, stared at the computer and sort of sent some emails, ate like 9 sandwiches with wonky white bread and salami with tomato and weird, beige french mayonnaise .....




hard to get motivated all colded out. been working on some jams, you know ..... all still very incubatory.

been staying up hella late and sleeping in hella long, don't see the trend breaking ....

playing in a benefit show tomorrow with subtitle and 202 project (if you don't know who these people are by now you can find them on my myspace page, tired of linking shit) and whoever else, either with my own mini set or taking a small piece out of my homeboy's ...... will let y'all know how that went.

bout to creep down the hill from my castle and meet up with gino so we can hoof back here for the next headbanging session ......

huevos out.

PS

i realize this hasn't been exactly the ribald rock star tales perhaps some of you were hoping for, but ...

1) bear in mind that i am still settling in.
2) not much has happened yet .... how many times can i write "i got high" or "i smoked a cigarette" or "fuck, there is cat hair everywhere"? so yeah, the blog's been pretty mundane.
3) some of you may want to hear shit like "oh man, i met a super hot girl on the airplane" but for once in my life, maybe .... maybe i will keep my mouth shut about something.....

maybe.

INTERLUDE: crev-i-cous

last nite magic was made. i don't mean musically (tho, believe it or not, the homey debmaster whipped up a theme song for the occasion, called "gino makes the couscous" and sent it over via IM) but in the form of a delicious hood-style peasant dish consisting of couscous, rice, butter, sugar, egg and salt. gino was ready to get creative in the kitchen with very little at hand, and after a weirdo moment of fools trying to light stoves without blowing up, shit was POPPIN. it was perhaps the best comfort food i ever had.

day 3

got my bag today.

i feel much less edgy without it, but i also now have a massive suitcase that i will definitely have to haul to some mother fuckin place at some point (i got a ride to where i am at now AND the homey jp picked it up for me at the post office while i was possibly not even awake) .... it WAS pretty easy to not have to deal with it at the train station and all that shit ....

so i am stayin in a nutty set up, above, like, rooms and caverns, i can't even describe it right now ..... art things, a room with a bunch of sand in it, projectors, mold, all types of shit!!! i'm above all that. in a spot. with a lot of rooms. and a cat. and some cat food. and did i mention that its cold. as fuck. yes, i do believe i did. i sleep in my clothes. haven't figured out the heating options yet .... it took two dudes today to just figure out how to turn the stove on to make some coffee ... don't get me wrong. a BUNCH of people live in this spot, they are just all out of town. hence it being available to me for about 2 weeks.

in the bathroom i had to turn my hat around backwards cause it's so small i kept hitting my bill on the door and getting stuck as i went to sit down. i took a shower today and it was like being santa claus in a plastic chimney .... but a skinny, naked, wet santa claus. (that image was for the one lady who reads this) you get it ... claustrophobic type shit. OH SHIT!! CLAUStrophobic. i'm awesome, total accident.

so anyway, my homey cooks shit up like big fuckin zucchinis ....



and i got THIS record ... everyone who understands get happy for me.



and here is your boy .....



in the process of some pure blazery.

then i wrote some to some ill shit, aw man, just you wait .....

huevos out.

day 2 (part 1?)

i am just not inspired to grind on this shit right now ....

at the homey's house, i need to be ALONE to do the shit right .....

haven't figured out the internet at the crev spot yet.

me and subtitle got semi-tore last nite with the homey mr. X (too lazy to link him up right now) sipping on some red wine and puffin "pirate style" aka bong rips with tobacco and hash ..... we "skated" back to where i am staying i.e. rode uphill for a bit and got out of breath cause it was cold as fuck and we been puffin all day (fuck NC, you KNOW tobacco is king here).

girls here respond to me sayin "what's poppin?" about as much as they do at home .... ha.

got much more to say than that .... bout to sip this coffee. had a gyro and a diet coke for breakfast. holla. and big shouts to greg e. boy for being the only mother fucker down to comment on this shit ..... as far as i know, he's the only one who reads this. his blog is linked up on the right, check him out for the "punk rock dad" perspective on life .....

huevos out.

day 1

there is a gang of shit in my notepad.

funny, good shit.

but my bag didn't make it.

the bag with ALL my shit.

all my camera shit ....

my skateboard ....

my clothes .....

my toothbrush ....

the phone charger for the phone i am using .....

it is COLD here.

i am wearing one of gino's longsleeves over a lumberjack button up over one of the few existing DIAMOND STUDS t-shirts ....

i will probably wear one of jp's sweaters tonite to sleep....

k, me and gino are about to stroll the block ....

i will catch all y'all up soon.

holler at broads at the mall

nothin cheers me up more than a trip to the mall!!

not true.

but .....

eating Chick Fil A with George Brazil sure does the trick.

the BFFs are back!!!

(not pictured: Jake Dead)

Crybaby Waves

i saw someone last nite that made my little heart hurt.

but i shouldn't forget what my horoscope said. that day.

yesterday.



fuck a star telling me what to do, but maybe it's right.

maybe it isn't.

i'm sure you're not reading this, miss, but you looked fuckin awesome.

Crybaby out.

i leave for France on monday.

i don't know who these guys are .....

...... but i love it.

plus, it kinda matches my layout.



PS

if the world DOES end today .....

wtf.

.... i got a LOT of phone calls to make.

(thank you, alert reader M, for letting me know about our impending particle death.)

yo gino, we got to be the first to do a show live from a black hole on Earth. that's so briefcase, dude.

REAL QUICK LIKE: things you should not say on dates .... and being a "nice guy"

learn from my mistakes, fellas. i don't know where i equate "asshole" and/or "overly honest" with "charming" in my head, but clearly there is some communication breakdown between my brain and my mouth. these are all actual quotes, as specifically as i can remember them, from dates that i have been on. don't go out like me. think before you speak .....

"your daughter is going to be fuckin hot when she grows up!"

"which one is your friend? the one with the short hair and the big tits?"

"i'm getting real tired of your style."

"yeah, you looked terrible in that picture!"

"i'm just going to get a ride home with her."

(when introducing date to a friend) "this is .... uh .... this is .... oh shit. wow. um, i am SO sorry, i am TOTALLY blankin here ...."

"i'm a fuckin mess."

"i'm a fuckin wastoid."

"i got some serious fuckin problems."

any references to how good an x-girlfriend's pussy tasted.

"your boyfriend's lame." (might not have been an actual date)

"i NEVER wear condoms."

"porn? all the time, are you kidding?"


the fact that some of these women continued to date me, and maybe even became my girlfriend doesn't make it okay. but coming in towards the end of the pack is still better than being the nice guy who finishes last. keep that in mind. of course, sometimes the super rude guy doesn't even finish the race .... he just says "fuck it" and jogs off the track, smokes a cigarette in the woods, and drives home listening to Foreigner on his iPod. yes, that is me also. the hardest thing i think is maintaining the balance of the different types. the nice guy doesn't seem to GET the girls, but he is usually the one who manages to KEEP them after he has rudely obtained them. unless he is too nice. then he gets walked all over and/or cheated on. i guess. i hate this shit. that's why i sit and home and write songs about girls who don't like me.

THE GIVE UP: Old Spice ..... and where i been at?

give it up for Old Spice for modernizing their game with a pimp in mind. i know i am far from the first person to blog about this mackadocious scent, but yo, they really got some shit called Swagger! "mmmm, what's that smell?" "swagger, bitch, now get back on the corner!!!" and any stone cold pimp can cop it at Wally World. the game is to be smelled, and not told. (apologies to anyone harping on how predictable this writing is.)

and speaking of Old Spice, the question has been raised as to where exactly i am every weekend, i mean, you don't ever see me out on a friday or saturday night anymore. just wtf am i up to? well, i came across a video clip doing research for this post and it was terrifying in how closely it mimics a typical saturday night for me. the only differences being i have a much weaker chin, i smell like green Speed Stick, and the chicks at MY house have WAY shorter hair. otherwise, it's pretty much the same. big shouts to simon le bon.

..... on therapists, ballin', klutziness, and rain-x ..... PART 2

so we go in the room and we talk and it is not super comforting to know that your life is semi in this person's hands and they are asking you questions about your whole history of stuff ..... questions that they are basing on just skimming over some file for 20 minutes before you got there. but let's keep this funny.

i cycle through a list of witty answers when asked if i have experienced any "swelling in my private parts" ..... i just smile and say "uh ... no." then she says she is going to check me out and i take my shirt off and she seems to kind of balk at that like it is unnecessary but she gets her lymph node check on and then she says something about my pants and i am going to take my drawers off but she is def not having that and stops me. i think she is going to take them off for me .... which is weird, cause the docs always have YOU do that shit, i guess so no one can act like they removed your shit forcibly or whatever ..... but she has me leave them on. and she checks my groinal nodes (?) by wriggling her fingers under the elastic leg holes of my shorty shorts and then assures that me that i am all well. we talk about the blood tests i need to get and then she leaves the room to get the paperwork for them and tells me to sit tight.

then i start thinking "okay. it takes a lot of time, effort, and money to do all this. SOMEBODY had better grab hold of that thing in a gloved and/or clean, gloveless hand, roll the mother fucker around, and tell me there is NOTHING WRONG WITH IT." know what i mean? like, what i come here for? to get checked for a cold? hold it in your hand and TELL ME that it is cool, cause i only got one left and i am about to get a custom-fitted kevlar case for that shit because if that ones goes bad or gets fucked up consider it A WRAP. dig a hole and let me climb in it (shit, toss Old Yeller in there with me) and pull the trigger.

but lo, an angel in the form of one of the OGs comes in for THAT part, the ironically named Dr. Wang (i use his real name cause it's funny). he does his thing while i stare at the ceiling and smile, pleased with his initiative. so .... blood tests pending, looks like all is quiet on the southern front.

last night when i started this and i was all druggy and excited about it i wanted to write about my klutziness, but i am kind of over that part .... basically, i am a fuckin butter-fingers-having dude and maybe it's cause i'm high all the time or something, but when i cook/eat at home it gets ugly. something always happens. it is always something traumatic and embarassing, like droppin my pork chop on the carpet right as i am about to start eating and being so hungry i don't even want to wipe the hairs and fuzz off it. last night i was cutting my steak and it somehow BOUNCED UP (?) and landed in a pile of peas, splattering peas and meat grease all over the coffee table and floor. just when i got started and all settled in with my beer and my napkin and my tv on the right channel. i was even being extra careful. it makes me so sad.

and yo, what the fuck is poppin off, like a tropical storm and what not? hurricane? i don't really watch the news. sorry. but my windshield wipers are broken. and i will not be fixing them before i go to France. so let the Rain-X experiment begin ..... more on that as it develops. i will say that i followed the directions to a T, that i had already applied some other weak ass shit a few days before, and that i have never used a product like this before then. let's see how it goes down. okay, peace.

INTERLUDE ..... hot chick flashback .... ROSIE PEREZ in 1992

while she is still annoying as ever, at least back then she was "fresh". i thought she was so hot when this came out and you probably did too, homey. while this clip does not actually contain any real answers as to what men/women truly want (as it professes to on youtube, or maybe they just called it that cause that's what she's talkin about, whatever) we do get some nice side-boob action and a nipple edge. and yo, fellas, i'm pretty sure that rosie's commentary is all fucked, anyway. if a woman says "i'm thirsty" and you start saying shit like "i, too, know what thirst feels like" then it's like we are making it all about US. right? -----> (shakes head in disgust) no, you'd be better off saying something like "aw baby, what happened at work today that made your mouth all dry? is it your boss again? he is such a jerk. i ought to drive down to your office and rip the water cooler right out of his goddam office and pour YOU a glass of HIS fuckin water! i fuckin love you, baby!!!!"

..... on therapists, ballin', klutziness, and rain-x ..... PART 1

so i saw my therapist today. it had been since january. that's a long time ago in therapy years. basically this woman helped save me when i was losing my mind about a year ago but after a little kick in the ass i figured i was good. uh, good enough. but a lot of pressure lately had me more fragile than usual so i hit her up a few days ago and it was on. i basically whined about my x girlfriend the whole time because i am a big pussy. the fucked up thing was i thought the session was an hour and i'm looking at the clock the whole time because i know that shit's crucial and i'm just getting warmed up like 35 minutes deep, and then she reminds me that we only have until "quarter till" ..... what the fuck is that? so then i got to cram everything in all fast an shit ... therapists are funny because they are your main homey when they're on the clock but as soon as the time's up - don't let the door hit you on the ass! i had to slip her check (and her pen) under the door, it was time to GO! she gave me some thing on marijuana that basically said it was as hard to quit as smokin cigs and "withdrawl symptoms" and some highlighted shit and i told her i was smokin hella cigs lately and that i was about to go smoke one right then.

k, so then later i got to go to the hospital for an ol' C check up. big shouts to all my cancer homeys (moms, pops, patrick swayze, mark, cy, and my friend with thyroid cancer ..... who may or may not want his name in here about this, i suppose i could call him and find out, i really should call him anyway ..... and peace to all the dead cancer homeys) so i realize "oh shit" they're going to be all up in my junk but i don't have time to take a shower so i do some quick spot cleaning and get the f out. i sing in, ha, i mean sign in, and then go the 2nd floor o the building where the C fam get check ups and shit. i read harper's bazaar or some shit for a minute .... penelope cruz, all the sex things, bad fall spread with iffy models and dumb captions, you know the routine (but you know i love that shit) ...... and then i kick it with my homegirl chastity (who works there) for a sec, i know her from my old days on the 3rd floor and plus she knows my homey mark in the C crew. as we are talking doc Y appears and introduces herself ---- > (sound of record scratching followed by harsh silence). now here you need some background:

i used to see doc X. doc X wasn't even one of the OGs that i saw right off the bat. but he was my bro, i always felt like we were the same age and i could say stuff the off way that i do and he would get it and we could joke and say dumb shit and it was obvious that he didn't want to check my junk out any more than i wanted to pull it out (though, after a hernia operation and this you learn to get way over that shit). it was a good relationship to have with the guy who would have to tell you that your shit came back and you were gonna die. like i said, we were bros. one time for whatever reason he needed to check my prostate and i was hopping around like a frightened squirrel, i just could not hold still long enough for it to actually happen and i think he just put the tip in and gave up.

so when i got the appointment reminder, the name was very "asian" and my ignorance of the language did not allow me to determine if it was a man or woman. i just figured it was one of the random asian dude doctors i had come across in my travels. so when, as i was talking to chastity, doc Y appears and introduces herself, i get a little start. doc Y is a short, young, attractive asian woman. her english is poor. she seems enthusiastic but also a bit nervous. the fact that it will be awkward as she holds my testacle in her hand is without a doubt my first thought.

TO BE CONTINUED