black swizzan

here is the first (and probably last) audio review of a film i have ever done. black swan is a rad movie but i still had to make fun of it. i left out any references to hot lesbian action, or how i have a man-crush on vincent cassel (no homo), or how pumped/buzzed the audience was (we guffawed at every joke and cringed at ever cringe-worthy moment) and yeah, i mean, it's not like she was probably dead the whole time ala jacob's ladder, and when i say vincent's head looks like a slice of pizza i'm talking about the triangular shape of it and not his complexion, but you get the point.

listen to it here ----> black swan review

my buddies Old Bricks got a Christmas song for ya.

swoll necks and other stories

i've been working out off and on since i was about 15. i started lifting weights with Ben Lee in my parents basement. my dad wrote us out some exercises and whatnot. that dude was cock D well into his 60's and beyond. i probably weighed in around 135 back then.

the strongest i ever got was when i worked out with Big John Fickle (RIP) ... that dude was a beast and we both built muscle pretty fast. i was 20. we went to the gym at least 3 times a week, plus i worked pretty physical jobs. i got up to 155 and did a LOT of benching and "curls for the girls" ... i ate lot of calories, mostly in the form of milkshakes and whopper juniors.

by this point in time, aka the present, many of you have seen me in a tank top or with no shirt or in my drawers and usually in all those situations i have had the benefit of stage lighting which casts shadows in all the right ways to make someone who is slightly muscular look much more so. no matter how buff i may or may not be at the time, when i look in the mirror it's still the same skinny dweeb staring back at me. i have received many nice comments on my build, which is flattering. i have also heard many references to steroids, which is also flattering, but also insulting ... if you don't think i got this way from being a depressed maniac, by myself doing push ups and pull ups and sit ups on a hard ass floor every day, then you have not done your research. i barely even use protein powder or any shit like that, it has all been hard work. you can do it, too.

regardless, a dear friend of mine, who also works out and is quite buff in his own right, hit me with this after a gig. best quote regarding my exercise prowess ever:

Meant to tell you at your show - dude, your neck is so swoll. No homo. Is that where you stick the juice needle? Right in the fucking jugular? Your neck was flexing and popping veins and shit. It looks like you hang a 45 lb plate from a chain and strap that shit to your forehead and do neck curls. It's bad ass.

haha, i am totally self-conscious of my long ass neck. at least it looks strong when i rap. my homegirl is an MC, and HER neck veins are definitely something to write about ....

four loko

so there has been a lot of buzz (pun intended) about this rebel yell of a drink called Four Loko. i am not going to be wasting any time and space on hipping you to what it is or the controversy that has surrounded it, you can do your own research. really, if you don't know what i'm talking about, why are you even reading a blog? anyways. i had never tried it before. i stopped on my way home from work and bought several cans.

to protect the innocent and guilty (you know who the f*ck i'm talking about anyways, don't you?) i will refer to my partners in crime as J (boy) and T (girl). T and I had plans to attend an event. J was on the couch, beer in hand, not lookin like he was goin anywhere. i cracked a can of Blue Razbbery flavor (can't remember if there was a "z" in the spelling, but it seems appropriate). glasses were poured. senses awakened. lips (particularly mine) started flapping. tongues were stained.

we kill the first round and crack the next can. Cranberry Lemonade. good for UTIs, they advertise. j/k. it goes down quick. blood is flowing. idle chatter becomes boisterous, 3 people often speaking all at once.

by the time we bust open the long-anticipated Watermelon flavor (not for the faint of heart, my dad thinks watermelon flavoring smells like corpses) it was time to go. J decides to join us. we load up styrofoam cups with Four Loko and ice (in the spirit of Huston, Texas or Lil Wayne ... whichever you prefer) and head to Chapel Hill Comics.

um, perhaps we were all charming? perhaps. i told a friend how bad i thought he smelled, but also that i would do him if i was gay. i touched him a lot. i talked sh*t about Dazzler. i dunno, she's ok. i had a very bonding conversation with an ill friend and talked about my nut(s) a lot. he laughed.

J drew a heart in the bathroom with our names in it. soon we were all posing in the can, as i ate a "bathroom cookie" which is not code or anything, it's just a cookie that you are eating close to a toilet. there was no Four Loko left. High Life makes its way into our cups.

so .... i just wrote this super long play by play of the evening, but i said f*ck it, everybody does silly shit when they are drunk and besides, i can't really put all the best stuff in here anyways. there were lil highlights like a woman who referred to our stumbling, loud posse as "3 random Carrboro hipsters" to her friend on the phone, at which point we all yelled things, J and i drowned out by T's "fuuuuuuuck YOU!!" ... i discovered a new way to pronounce (and scream) "Cassis Orange" (much to their disappointment, i am sure) ... a girl told me i was her "nemesis" ... i did a 5 minute long impression of Mike Triplett playing guitar in Fin Fang Foom on the sidewalk in front of 506 ... hahaha, and i did get mistaken for a drummer in some band by someone who should know better, but that wasn't my fault. the point is, i guess, that Four Loko did live up to its name of making me "loko" since the bender that it set in motion was nothing less than epic for me. i have barely been out at all lately because of my fear of the world, and i was certainly "fearless" on this evening. i insulted more people, mouthed off to more chicks, passionately hugged more dudes, criticized more bands (to their face), drunk texted (which i have been soooo much better about in my old age), and overall obnoxiously bounced from conversation to conversation in a way that i haven't in a long time.

unless i got a clear calendar, i'm just gonna stick with these.




really doe.

hopscotch flashback

more hot dusty shots courtesy of cellbandpics.com

hard/paint

after gino posted the curren$y flip of "hard in da paint" on the b.e.a.r. page, i decided i was going to have to get on the hype myself. hadn't been writing much lately, but this was inspiring enough to go tough on 3 verses. gino hooked up the intro for me. shouts to the crew and RIP David del Monaco forever.

Waves In The Paint (B.E.A.R. MIX) by juan huevos

comic shop freestyle

i did a show at Chapel Hill Comics with Adam WarRock and i knew that there was no way i would be able to escape without a relevant freestyle. i busted out my old flip of Mike Jones's's's "back then" instrumental and got to work. the video of it is embedded below. topics touched on include: